CRAZY Week!

I've been on the road for 3 days and it has been AMAZING! Right now, I am in New York City. I haven't gotten too far yet seeing as Boston is only about 4 hours away! But I love this city! Also, it took me a few days to get here because I stopped to visit some family in Mystic, CT.

I guess I need to backtrack and explain why I left a few days later than planned. So, as I was packing up to leave on Thursday night, my friend from work called and told me that she couldn't sublet my apartment anymore! I was so mad. Finally, I had this amazing opportunity and she all of a sudden was preventing me from doing it! Needless to say, I was not very friendly when she told me. After I hung up the phone I was really upset but I knew that I needed to go on this trip no matter what. I spent the next few days in constant contact with my landlord and on the phone with friends. Finally, my friend that was originally going to sublet called me back and said that she changed her mind yet AGAIN! I said okay and told her this was her last chance to back out but she didn't! I left the next day, Sunday. Close call...

I hoped on the road and headed down to coastal Connecticut to visit my family. I grew up going there in the summers and I was really looking forward to returning. When I pulled into the town I was flooded with memories. I can't believe how many years it took me to return here. Even though it isn't summer yet, I pulled over and took a walk along the beach. I arrived at my Grandparents house in the late afternoon. They were thrilled to see me! I spent Sunday night to Tuesday morning visiting all of my favorite spots like the Mystic Aquarium, the Mystic Seaport, and the Mystic Drawbridge. It was hard to leave but I was excited to get to New York City.

I arrived in New York City late last night. I have a good friend from college that lives in the city, Sarah. I haven't seen her since college so it was so exciting to be reunited! Since I got in so late last night we couldn't go explore the city but we will tonight! I can't wait.

I have to go. We are going for a walk around the city.

--L

To plan or not to plan?

Since I was a little kid, my life has been pretty much planned out for me and look how that has turned out. I've done exactly what I was supposed to do until these past few months. I need to experience something real. I feel like I can't find what I'm looking for but I do not even know what it is I'm looking for. I hope that my journey will help me find what I'm looking for. My dilemma as of right now is how I will go about taking this trip. I have a 2008 Subaru Outback that used to be my mothers. I bought it last summer with only 50,000 miles on it so it should work just fine. I decided to go alone. Some soul searching is in order. So, that's about all I have planned. I told the Coffee Shop my plan and they were surprisingly accepting of it. The manager gave me some names and numbers of friends he knew in different places across the US. He said that he'd always wanted to take a trip across the country but never found the time. I'm making the time now. I don't want to be sitting around someday thinking about the trip I wish I took. I'm taking it. Also, I'm telling the truth the whole time. I've lived a series of lies for so long. Maybe it's because I was bored with who I really am. I'm embracing who I am. It's time to put this way of thinking to the test. I must seem so sporadic and almost frantic to whoever may be reading this but that's probably because it's how I really feel.
I plan to leave my apartment on Friday morning. That gives me 4 days to find someone to sublet and pack. My friend from work is taking my cat. Sadly, he hates cars and wouldn't make a great travel companion.
Wish me luck!

-L

Off the Grid...

I've been struggling with posting on my blog. I guess I kind of freaked out about 2 weeks ago. After a whole day of dumping my brain into the computer, I slammed my computer shut and threw it out the window. I immediately regretted it. I couldn't control my frustration with my novel, my mother, my love life, and my life in general for that matter. I had been wasting days cooped up in my apartment just typing and typing and typing. My fingers went numb and my eventually my brain went dead. I'm starting to realize that being a novelist is a lot more than I bargained for. I had so many ideas floating around in my head that I couldn't wait to get on paper but I am sick of it. Who am I to write this novel? Who was I to think that someone would actually want to read it?
Well, to get to the point... I haven't touched my computer in 2 weeks. That means my blog went away with the computer. Unfortunately my writing freeze dragged blogging with it. I actually enjoy blogging when I am in the mood but I was in no mood at all for a while.
For the past 2 weeks I have tried to sit down and figure everything out once and for all. I can't escape this limbo I've been trapped in for years now. I have had such a hard time getting on my feet. These 2 weeks have helped me sort some things out. I've decided that all I want to do is be happy. I spent two weeks figuring out what makes me happy. I've been spending time with friends and getting to know people. I am so happy when I am with new friends. I've been so open about my real life with all of the people I have met recently. I've enjoyed sharing my life to near strangers and they have become friends. I have traveled around the city and I have taken a trip out to Cape Cod. I have explored all that I can in the Boston area. I've concluded that I am going to take all the money I have saved and I am going to travel. It seems like another drastic decision but I am going to do it. I have about $15,000 saved from my last job, graduation, and the coffee shop. I have been doing a lot of research and I think I have more than enough to take a US tour. I'm going alone. I was going to bring Danny but he couldn't quit his job. No one really understands my ability to drop everything and start over. I've done it a few times in my life and it hasn't satisfied me. I hope this will do the trick. If not, I hope to meet some interesting characters and see some awesome places along the way! For now, the novel is on the sidelines.

I'll keep you posted!

-L

3 Chapters Done!

I've been working so hard on making some progress in my novel! I finally have 3 chapters done and I am really happy about how it is playing out so far! I need to find someone to proof read it for me. I was planning on asking Danny but I don't want to seem too clingy. We have been hanging out a lot and it seems to be going really well. However, I can't shake the memory of how things played out with my last boyfriend in college. Andrew and I were together for a little over a year. He was the only one who has ever known about my lying. It worked fine for a while but I think it really bothered him. I'm afraid to make any kind of commitment to Danny. It sucks because I can already feel myself pulling away. On Friday night, I invited him out with my friends and I. He walked me home after and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, we were in my room. I was a little bit drunk and didn't hold back at all. He ended up spending the night but I was so awkward in the morning. We had coffee together before he left and I couldn't wait for him to get out of here. UGH I wish I could just be normal about this whole thing but I get too nervous. I haven't talked to him since yesterday morning. I don't know if I should call him or not. Maybe I'll send him a text about reading my first 3 chapters and pretend we never hooked up.

Wish me luck,
-L

Mom's gone, Danny's back!

My last post was rather frantic. I needed to have a serious talk with my mother. It's hard to handle her but I know she has my best interest at heart. She has always pushed me and at times it has felt like she wants to live my life for me. Last week, we finally put it all out on the table. I told her that she needed to let me make my own choices. I mean my god I'm already 27 years old! After a few hours of tears and hugs, she agreed to take a step back. She left the next morning and I've talked to her a few times since. I know she loves me and I could see that I was breaking her heart. I resent her for telling me how to live my life and she has always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. For the first time in my life, I feel good enough just being myself. I can't let her ruin that...again. I have new friends and a new job and a new goal to write my novel. I haven't been lying anymore at all and I've rekindled my love for writing. Despite my guilt from having hurt my mother, I think it is for the best. 

On another note, my novel is going really well. Writing it is turning out to be quite the interesting experience. I guess I never realized how long it was going to take. I keep writing and rewriting and then just deleting pages all together. I know it's a process and I am trying not to rush it. It will all come together if I work hard at it!

Also, the other day, guess who came into the coffee shop when I was working?...Danny!! It was really great to see him. We kind of fell out of touch for some reason. I forgot how much fun he was to be with. He stayed and chatted with my co-workers and I until we closed and then he walked me home! I told him all about my novel and he offered to read it and help me edit it! I'm nervous to show him my work but it could be helpful to get some feedback.

I'm going out to dinner with some friends tonight and then seeing a concert at a bar downtown. Should be a good time!

-L

She Means Well...

I'm feeling really terrible today. I totally blew up at my mother today and stormed out of my apartment. I'm currently hiding out at the coffee shop where I work to cool off. I told her that I'll be home when I'm ready to talk to her. I'm dreading it. I hate confrontation. I just keep it in for way to long and then it all comes rushing out in a ruthless wave of emotion. I didn't handle it well. She has been nagging me all week about money and my lack of a boyfriend. I am doing my best but she just doesn't see it. Basically, I told her all of this. She looked hurt so I ran out. I feel like a little kid right now that has run away from home in a dramatic display. We both know I'll come home and we will have a serious "talk". I don't want to ughhh. I hate serious talks. I wish she would just go home and let me live my life!

Sorry for venting! Wish me luck!

-L

A Visit from Mom

I love when my mother comes into town but it's never just to visit and catch up! She always has some master plan. She is the master manipulator...of EVERYONE. The worst part is, no one can see it. Not even my own father! Either that, or he just ignores it.

Since I started seriously working on my novel, my mother has called me every single day just to, "say hello!" Before last month, she would probably call me once every two weeks to make sure I still enjoyed my desk job. I'm sure quitting my job was the LAST thing she wanted to hear.
I understand a mothers concern but I wish she would just let me do my own thing.

Anyway, she surprised me with a visit on Monday afternoon and is still here...
I keep hearing about Martha's daughter Amanda who just got accepted to law school and Audrey's niece who got promoted...and blah, blah, blah...Nancy's grandson, cousin Jess, etc. It's like she wants to tell me how successful every single other person my age is while I am just at a total standstill. Every time I try to talk about my novel, she rolls her eyes and changes the topic or says something like, "oh yeah, yeah...sounds nice."

I guess her visit isn't all bad though. We had a nice lunch at an outdoor cafe the other afternoon and she took me shopping on Newbury St. Not to mention, the weather has been beautiful in Boston! Last night, I brought her to a small bar and introduced her to a few of my friends from work. That was kind of fun. She had a few drinks and that loosened her up a bit. I think she needed that extra glass of wine to cope with the fact that Brian has his nose pierced and Molly has a tattoo of a footprint on her wrist. As I made her pancakes this morning in my tiny apartment she said, "Gee, I just don't understand why such attractive young people would litter themselves with tattoos and piercings like that."

Needless to say, I haven't gotten any writing done this week. Another wash of a week. Maybe she'll come around. If she doesn't I really hope I prove her wrong and actually finish this project.

She says that she is leaving tomorrow. We'll see if that happens. Next thing I know, she will be moving into the apartment next door.

-L